


i would understand

by bisexualdeanwinchester



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Angst, Mentions of Suicide, scared baby patrick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:34:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5206082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualdeanwinchester/pseuds/bisexualdeanwinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so i saw this thing about patrick talking about being suicidal at one point and regardless of the truthfulness of that statement the peterick trash side of me demanded a fic so here we go</p>
            </blockquote>





	i would understand

**Author's Note:**

> title is from third eye blind's 'jumper' because i am so incredibly good at picking titles
> 
> also this was typed on my phone so # sorry if there's typos
> 
> EDIT: again i accidentally referenced a fall out boy song in this can you guess which

sometimes pete forgets that he doesn't have the sole claim to the 'most fucked up member of the band' title. patrick will, on occasion, give him a hell of a run for his money.

he doesn't like that. patrick is probably pete's favorite person in the world, and knowing that he goes through the same shitty moods... well.

needless to say, pete has taken it upon himself to be the person patrick can always, always turn to when he gets like this.

except this time, he doesn't.

this time, pete wanders onto the roof of the hotel they're staying at tonight, looking to escape the noise and just breathe for awhile. he finds patrick standing on the ledge instead.

he looks almost... peaceful. he's swaying slightly in the chicago wind, his arms outstretched and eyes closed. he looks like he's home.

"if you're thinking of trying to talk me down, don't," he says, without turning or opening his eyes.

he sounds more serene than pete has ever heard him, and that scares him.

"wouldn't dream of it," replies pete. he keeps his eyes on patrick as he inches closer. he knows any sudden move could spell disaster.

"i'm not going to do it, you know," patrick says finally. he lets his arms drop down to his sides.

he sounds defeated, now. there's none of that odd calm left in his voice.

pete tries to comfort him the best way he knows how: with the words he's always wanted someone to tell him. "it'd be okay, if you did."

"would _you _be okay?"__

__of course not, he thinks. patrick is always, always. the one thing that consistently reminds him life's worth living. but he lies, lies through his teeth in an attempt to make patrick feel even the slightest bit better._ _

__"after awhile, i think i would be."_ _

__"and you wouldn't blame yourself?"_ _

__pete doesn't answer. he knows if the situation was reversed (and hell, it almost was, once) that patrick would forever be thinking there was something he could've done to stop it._ _

__"that's why i won't do it. you need me," he says matter-of-factly._ _

__"if you really want to go, i'd learn not to." oh, the lies he tells. now that he's used to having patrick, he has no idea how to live without him._ _

__"no. because i need you too." he sighs and steps off the ledge, turning to face pete._ _

__pete doesn't know what to do. his every instinct is screaming at him to pull patrick close and never let him go. but patrick looks like even the smallest thing might set him off, right now, spiralling into somewhere pete can't bring him out of, so pete just settles for looking at him._ _

__"listen, don't tell andy or joe about this. they don't need to worry, i'm fine."_ _

__"i won't." they all worry about patrick sometimes._ _

__" _you _don't need to worry, either."___ _

____"you know i will. it's my job."_ _ _ _

____patrick sighs. "it's not. you shouldn't waste your time on that. on me."_ _ _ _

____pete takes a tentative step towards him. "i have never wasted a second on you, patrick."_ _ _ _

____"that's not what i meant," patrick says. he's shivering slightly in the wind._ _ _ _

____"you and i both know it is. i want you to listen to me, okay? you matter. i know it might not seem like it, _believe me _i know, but you need to remember that there's people that love you and care about you. you contribute to this world, patrick. your music is making a difference with those kids. that's _something _. you brought andy and joe and me and you together, that's _something _. so don't you dare say anyone has wasted their time on you, especially me."_______ _ _ _

__________there's a heavy silence, then patrick laughs humourlessly. "thought you said you weren't gonna talk me down."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"thought you said you weren't gonna do it," pete retorts. he's holding his breath as he watches patrick, trying to gauge his reaction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"thought you said you'd be okay without me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"guess we both lied."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________patrick stares at him. "i'm just... i can't do this anymore."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"do what?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________he waves his hand, encompassing the city below, _his city _, and the sky above and pete, right next to him. "all this. life. i can't."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"i'm not gonna pretend i don't know how you feel, but as cliché as it sounds, there's a lot to live for."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________patrick laughs bitterly. it sounds so completely wrong coming out of him, this person who has always been such a ray of positivity and optimism in pete's life, that he's willing to do pretty much anything to never hear it again. "like what?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________"all the people that you love. the places you haven't seen yet. your music. for fuck's sake, _me _." the words are tumbling out of his mouth before he realises what's being said. he's being selfish, he knows. now is the worst possible time for this.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"what do you mean, 'you'?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________but fuck, patrick is coming closer and pete will do anything to keep him away from the edge, so he keeps going. "if you can't stay for anything else, stay for me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________patrick's brow furrows in confusion. "you said you'd be alright without me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"yeah, well, i lied. i need you like i need fucking air, okay? i... i know this is the exact opposite of what you want to hear right now, but i would be fucking ruined if you stepped off that ledge." everything's spilling out, too fast and too heavy. patrick takes a step back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________the cold air is making the tears in his eyes sting like hell but nothing could take his gaze from patrick right now._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"this isn't about you," patrick says softly. "i know you'll be hurting, but it'll be okay. there's other people in the world. maybe you'll find them someday, if i'm gone."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"i don't _want _to find other people!" pete cries. patrick is talking like he's about to take the leap and pete has never been more afraid in his life.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"i know you don't, but you will. you can move on, pete. you're a strong person and i know you can recover." he's walking slowly backwards as he speaks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"patrick, don't. please. i know you think i can move on, but i don't want to. i just... we all love you a lot and- you can't."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"this is why i have to. you all hold me up to this insane standard of perfection, and that's not who i am. i'm not the guy you put on this pedestal, i'm flawed and-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"that's why i-" he stops and corrects himself. that was too close. "why _everyone _loves you so much, because you're _not _perfect. everyone's got flaws, it's what makes you human. it's what makes you real."_____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"stop. just- stop! i want to do this. i do."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" god, that sounded like he was daring patrick to do it. he needs to be more careful._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"you being here is already making this hard enough. i don't need you to remind me that I'd ruin your life by doing this," patrick says. his lower lip is trembling in the same way it has since pete met him, a telltale sign tears are on their way. he looks like that now, like a scared and lost sixteen-year-old with nowhere to go but down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"why? why is it so terrible that your best friend is trying to stop you from trying to kill yourself?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"because i-" he clenches his fists and closes his eyes. "i can't-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"patrick..." pete tentatively reaches out and touches his face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________his eyes snap open and he stares at pete._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________"please, pete. let me go. you don't want someone like me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________pete shakes his head and tries to ignore the implications. "i _am _someone like you. and i'm not going to let you leave the world when you still have so much to contribute to it."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________"i have nothing to contribute, i'm nothing." he backs away again and this time pete takes his hand and pulls him closer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________________you're everything _, he wants to say, but that would be giving away too much.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"don't think like that, patrick, please-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________patrick abruptly cuts him off. "why? why are you trying to keep me here?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"because you're someone worth saving."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________he stands there, looking at pete with big, shining eyes. "i don't want to be saved," he says, but pete can feel his hand shaking and knows he's almost done fighting._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"you don't really get a say in the matter," pete says softly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________and that's it. patrick falls into his arms and pete never wants to let him go._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________he talks incoherently through his tears, trying to list all the reasons he should be dead, but pete won't let him get out a single word against himself. he counters every bit of self-hatred that comes out of patrick's mouth with words that he's kept inside, words that he's saved just for him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________"just breathe. i've got you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> curlysupergirl if you read this, my formal apologies for not emailing you back. i was writing this oops
> 
> oh hey and last sunday i saw frnkiero andthe cellabration in concert how cool is that


End file.
